Twilight, (The Movie) Progress: Viewed

Let me apologize for the delay between actually seeing this movie at the midnight event and doing the write-up for it. You see, it took quite some time for my friends to convince me that the world was worth living in, that there was a reason to wake-up, that I should try to be funny. It has taken me this long for me to regain my will to live after having seen that movie. But first, let me back up.

I am a nerd. Surprise, surprise. I've done the midnight movie thing before. Star Wars, Batman, Spiderman, yeah, I've been there. Never have I felt as out of place as I did standing in line at Twilight for three and a half hours before the movie started. I saw flocks of girls literally chirping. I have no idea what they were saying. It was not English. Perhaps the male ear simply cannot hear the upper registers of fan-girl excitement, but I was left completely out of the loop. However, the excitement of EVERYONE was contagious, and I began lying to myself. "Maybe it won't be that bad. You might enjoy it. You don't know what happens in the second half of the book. Maybe Van Helsing DOES show up." I was wrong.

Skip two hours. I'm now sitting dead center of a theater that has so many girls in it that I would need to be watching football, drinking a beer, and building furniture with my bare hands while getting paid an average of 26 cents/hr more than anyone else in the room in order to neutrilize the estrogen. Luckily I've been saving my allowance of man-cards for weeks for this moment. I embrace the setting and hand them out willingly.

My favorite part of the movie was the very beginning. It's the scene that had Dumbledore and Harry talking about Tom Riddle. Then the previews ended. The movie was much the same experience as the book. That is, I often pulled hair out of my scalp in order to retain my tenuous grasp to the realm of sanity....

(I will now interupt my dialogue to stare seductively at my computer screen and subtely flick my tongue around in my half-open mouth. You see, by doing this I'm doing something BETTER than, you know, having a plot.)

....even though most of the dialogue seems to stem straight from the book, I have to highlight my favorite part of the movie. Edward grabs Bella, throws her on his back, and says something akin to the line, "Hold on tight, spider-monkey." ...SPIDER-MONKEY...ok. This line is not in the book. I will pause as you consider the full implications of that statement. Someone either wrote this line, or God forbid, he adlibbed it, and the director, jumping from his chair, yelled, "YES! I've got to have that line!" He should be held accountable for the murder of no less that 326 of my favorite brain cells.

Also, Edward...let me pause and gather my breath, you see, his name just takes it from me...so dreamy...this guy that is the obsession of every female between the ages of 12 and 25 watches Bella sleep for months without her knowing it. I don't know why this is suddenly romantic. It didn't work for me. That same action is why I can no longer enter the state of Georgia.

Turning the page,
Randon

P.S. To Be Fair (A new section!): Here are things I liked. Bella's dad and Jacob's dad were the only believable relationship/acting. The baseball scene was close to cool. I like the Cullen family dynamics at the dinner (and baseball.) Alice was cute.